Mommyhood

Mothers vs. Toddlers


It’s true. Toddlerhood can take away your sanity. Everyday is a battle between having a good day or a bad day. I wake up telling myself, “Today, I’ll be a better mom. I won’t get mad and I’ll handle situations calmly.” 

Here is a brief idea on how my day is: 

“Mommy, I want dede.” at 6am when I’m still dozed off. And when I can’t obey, Caleb wouldn’t stop requesting until Yuri wakes up. That’s when our day starts to roll. Zzz.

Caleb: “Hey, that’s mine!” (Referring to a toy) Yuri cries and sometimes fights back. I introduce “taking turns” and ask them to count 1 to 10 for every turn. Most of the time it fails. 

Both kids take out 2 big boxes of toys (or mostly trash). I make a deal with them letting them promise to pack away when they’re done. They say yes many times. When it’s time to pack away, Yuri gladly obeys while Caleb suddenly needs to pee or cry and says, “I’m too tired.” 

Meal times are the worst. I hate it. Yuri loves to eat and would willingly eat anything. Caleb would say, “I’m full.” after 2 spoonfuls (or nothing at all). 

I put them in the crib and take a VERY quick bath while they watch. But I need to be very cautious as they can get out of the crib by themselves! So, I have to finish everything including a little bit of cleaning up (sweeping, preparing the bed, etc.) in about 10 to 15 minutes. It’s like playing Diner Dash! 

“Don’t do that.” 

“Don’t hurt your brother.”

“Stop doing that.” 

“If you don’t stop, you’ll stand in the corner (monsters don’t scare them).”

I say that 1M times a day in different tones. Either nicely or authoritatively. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. 

You think of activities for them but Caleb would still say, “Mommy, I’m getting bored.” What should I do then? I’m running out of ideas and I’m too tired to even think. Help! 

These are just a few of the chaotic situations that I have. They drive me crazy. Out of frustration, I close my eyes and mumble (things that I don’t recognize anymore; sometimes I curse; sometimes I pray) while trying to stay calm and then I just find myself crying. The bathroom has been my bestfriend for the past months. I lock myself and cry (while the boys are banging the door). Then I go out trying to feel replenished. 

I get exhausted by afternoon and am about to lose my voice from the constant telling off. One time, I just felt so tired I can’t even identify whether it’s physical or emotional. I literally begged my children to pack away, telling them I’m tired of shouting, of meeting their demands, and that I just want to rest. I was teary eyed and I think they noticed that they did what they were told. It isn’t always the case, though. 

It’s like I’m holding on to a bucket full of patience that I carefully distribute throughout the day. But they still go beyond the limits and that’s when I lose myself. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m still normal. 

At the end of the day, when I’m all settled and kids are asleep, I thank God that I survived another day and that I’m sorry for the times that I yelled at them. I am just so blessed to have these kinds of problems. Not every mother can complain about this. Some moms would like to have the life that I have. I am grateful for everything and I don’t have regrets. But I’m only human and my super mom powers do not always last. But one thing’s for sure, I was given 2 kids because He knows that I can handle it, that He trusts me to raise decent and loving human beings despite all the hardships. That’s what I’m holding on to. 

Kudos to moms who have more kids than mine. I don’t know how you handle it but we moms just keep on surviving. We do have the toughest job in the world! 

Looking forward to a better tomorrow,

B. 

Mommyhood

15 Minutes in Heaven


In my 29 years of existence, I have never felt so relaxed in a short span of 15 minutes in a bathtub. It was my first time to soak myself in a warm bubbly water last Sunday and I never thought how relaxing it could be. 

I have never put any notice in tubs in a hotel until last weekend when my body was sort of calling for it. I used to feel gross about it because I am a germophobe and I can never really tell who have had used the tubs. But then I gave in thinking, “This is the quickest way for me to unwind.”
So I filled it up with warm water and asked for extra shower gel – I wanted to have that very bubbly effect. Without any hesitation, I told my husband that I’m going to use the bathtub or in other words “look after the kids while I relax”. We just had breakfast then and the kids were very active but I didn’t care anymore. It’s now or never. I don’t have much time as we were about to check-out at noon time. 

I soaked my foot and the water felt warmer than I expected. I put a little bit of cold water which didn’t really change much. Then I dipped my entire body and was shocked at myself saying “OMG, ang saraaaap” many times. I savored every minute of it despite getting distracted by my husbands “Caleb, stop it!”, “Yuri, don’t touch that!” dialogues. 

I tried to empty my mind and just be in the moment but let’s face it, you can never really relax when your kids are just a door away from you. Nevertheless, it definitely was the best 15 minutes of my life. From now on, I’ll make sure to use the bathtubs in a hotel whenever it’s available. 

Thankful for the bathtub,

B.

Mommyhood

Breakdowns


Do you have breakdowns? How often and what triggers it? By breakdown I mean crying myself out, throwing things, and silently cursing. The type when you can feel your heart pounding because there’s just too much to handle. 

I do have those moments for around twice or thrice a week. I don’t want it to happen but it just happens. I couldn’t control any of it because my emotions are so high that my brain couldn’t even tell myself to “breathe and stay calm”. 

What causes it? Different things. I observed that sometimes even when I am in a good mood and then my kid suddenly spills (on purpose) water (of course, I have to clean up), I get so mad I can feel my blood boiling from my toes going up and then finally find myself exploding. I scream, throw things, and my mouth just wouldn’t stop talking. Repetitive acts also trigger it. Such as when my kid insists on doing something even if I told him infinite times not to. That “Mommy, I want…” spiel makes me mad. 

Do I feel bad after? DEFINITELY! I am not worthy to be called a mom if I wasn’t. I feel guilty and mad at myself because I let my kids see that side of me. Those innocent eyes that stare at me as I nag and scream at them eats me up after the event. My subconscious mind tells me to stop but my body says otherwise. I feel so bad that I pray to help me go back to my proper state. My husband has not seen me go on a breakdown, only my boys have seen me go berserk. I feel like whenever I transform into that other person, my kids see me as a scary monster about to swallow them. 

I am not proud of it. In fact, I am scared whenever it happens. I feel like my anger might take it to a different level that I might end up hurting my kids. I don’t spank them, I don’t believe that hurting them is a way to discipline them. I am more of the “stand in the corner” type of mom with a little nagging on the side. 

How does it stop? After I’ve cried a bucket and almost losing my voice. When I finally feel exhausted and when I’m almost out of breath. 

It has always been a battle between letting my better self take charge and letting the witch in me have the crown. These thoughts I think eat up my sanity to the point that I feel like I’m going crazy for real. It’s so hard to control the good and bad when you want to raise beautiful children. It’s so hard to just show them your good side because you want to be a good example to them. It’s so hard to be the perfect mother you long to be. Most especially, it’s so hurting to see them stare at you as you become the wicked witch they’re mostly scared of. 

I am just so thankful that kids are generally resilient. They forgive and forget. They try to understand and let go. 

I cannot promise that it will never happen again. I believe that there is a process in managing my so called breakdowns and it wouldn’t be easy. I will continue to pray for patience and understaning as I journey toddlerhood and motherhood. So help me, God.

Mommyhood

Routine

I am exhausted. I would lie to myself if I say that everything’s okay. My life is basically a routine. A routine that involves all aspects of being a mother, a wife, and a person. Ninety percent of all my energy is alloted for my kids and still they are draining me. 

I barely have time to look after myself. I shower for a maximum of 10 minutes when back in the days I would linger in the toilet for almost an hour. Sometimes, I get lucky when my sister is around because she looks after the kids while I shower. That gives me about extra 3 minutes to just stare and enjoy the warm water. 

Wherever I go my kids follow me, especially my youngest. I endlessly walk around the house while my kids are hooked into watching movies. I try to clean up and do other motherly tasks whenever I can sneak out. But my little one has a strong sense of my presence. It’s exhausting, and let’s be real, it’s irritating. A while ago, I was trying to get a nap since my husband was around to take charge. But Yuri just kept coming towards me. He wanted to drink his milk so I gave him his bottle. I even prepared a place for him to lie down, but he’d rather have me as his bed. 

At night, after I’ve done all things that need to be done and I’m up for what I call ‘me time’, I just want to lie down or just sit in silence and have the time for myself. But I find it too selfish because I have a husband. I need to spend time with him. We need to spend time with each other. And that supposed ‘me time’ is the perfect time for it, when the kids are asleep and there’s nothing left to do. So, we watch Kdrama until around 12mn. Before I know it, I’m crawling to bed and my day is over. 

I may sound unhappy and tired but this is my life now. I love it and there’s no doubt in that. I am thankful and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Mommyhood

Motherhood In Words


I’ve been mommy-ing for almost three years now to two toddlers. Caleb is turning 3 this month and Yuri is 1.6 years old. It’s exhausting. It’s difficult. It’s outrageous. But it’s also fulfilling and satisfying at the same time. 

My motherhood journey has taught me things I never knew before. Things that could even change me as a person. Looking after two toddlers isn’t an easy job, it will NEVER be an easy job. To have a better picture, imagine a shop having its year-end sale. It’s chaotic, noisy and messy. That’s our everyday life. 

Here are some of the things that existed ever since I changed my job title to ‘Mom of Two’. 

Motherhood is hearing your child cry all the time only to find out it’s the neighbor’s kid or cat. 

Motherhood is getting paranoid all the time. You always imagine things like your son jumping out of the crib, getting suffocated by pillows, or playing with his poop. You won’t feel relieved unless they’re right in front of you. 

Motherhood is monitoring EVERY SINGLE THING. Their meals, lunchboxes, bowel movement, sweat, manners, social skills, dandruff, teeth, breath. The list goes on.

Motherhood is learning how to curse silently many times a day. I never cursed until I got kids. 

Motherhood is finding yourself crying in frustration while sweeping the floor or packing away all those useless toys. 

Motherhood is making sure that there isn’t a piece of paper, button, staple wire or if possible, even dust on the floor that my kids might get curious of how it taste like. 

Motherhood is getting insecure of your body and eventually forgetting about it. It’s getting surprised that those disgusting stretchmarks have already vanished because the last time you had an ‘overall body check’ was right after you gave birth. 

Motherhood is trying to stay up late at night because you want some time alone even if your body couldn’t make it anymore. You end up dragging your already half-asleep self to the bedroom. 

Motherhood is constantly sniffing your child’s head or nape because there is some sort of comfort in there. 

Motherhood is smiling as you watch your kids sleep and say “Another day has passed! I survived!” Yes, SURVIVED because they are like little rascals who take out the good in you. 

Motherhood is realizing how much strength you have even if you only have a few hours of sleep because you needed to wake up 4 times in the middle of the night. This post baby body will never fail you after all. 

Motherhood is watching what comes out of your mouth because they are like tiny, brilliant tape recorders.

Motherhood is feeling proud when they finally learn the proper manners you want them to exhibit. 

Motherhood is melting when you see that your kids look after each other. Sometimes, Caleb hugs and kisses Yuri out of his own will.

Motherhood is yelling all the time.

Motherhood is eating less so that they could eat more. It’s also eating fast AND less so you could run after them. Meal times are not as fun as it was before. 

Motherhood is watching Toy Story 2 and Zootopia EVERY SINGLE DAY. 

Motherhood is knowing the different types of trucks and vehicles because they NEEDED to know what they’re called. 

Motherhood is getting exaggerated with your emotions so they would understand. 

Motherhood is saying “I love you.” many times a day. 

Motherhood is staring at your kids and think “I made those.”

It’s still a long way for us and there will be a lot more to experience. There are days when I’m just so tired and I just want to stop caring for a bit. But it doesn’t work that way and life has to go on. I love my kids so much and because of all that’s mentioned, I know that my kids love me too. That’s what motherhood is all about. So to my fellow moms of toddler/s, have faith that one day we’ll have the time for ourselves again. For now, it’s all about them. 

Sleepy mom,

B.

Mommyhood

Mom’s First Days In School

The past two weeks have been all about school. As much as Caleb tries to adjust in this new setting, I as his mom needed some adjustments too. I imagined school to be a place where moms meet, be friends and share stories of life. It’s where I’ll meet my child’s bestfriend’s mom and we’ll be bestfriends too, eventually. Haha. So, I told myself that maybe it’s about time that I go out and expand my very limited group of friends. 

First day came and I immediately noticed a group of moms in the waiting area who obviously are really close. It’s November and classes have started months before, so I assumed that they’ve already built some bond between them. I just observed and listened to their conversations, silently learning about each mom’s personality. 

I’m a very shy person. I’d rather you talk to me first before I talk to you. But nobody dared to talk to me. And waiting there in the corner for days is very awkward for me. I told myself I must make some moves so that they will notice me. I don’t think they’re mean, maybe they’re just too shy to approach me as well. Luckily, one of the moms is new. Her daughter is also sitting in so I thought she’s my person of interest. We’re both new and adjusting, we’re about the same age and we have common people we know. 

Slowly, I’m getting the hang of it although I still don’t talk that much. I’m half deaf and have a harsh voice because of my colds so I find it hard to talk. And getting into small conversations can be an effort for me. But I wanted to be in their group because I’m longing for mommy friends and these first days are the most crucial. So, despite my uncomfortable situation I sat beside them and mostly listened, smiled and laughed. 

Today, we had a boodle fight which they have planned weeks before. They have already sorted the food assignments and I thought it will be held in some other place so I didn’t ask about it. Then I figured it’s happening there in the school during our free hours so I have no escape. I couldn’t invite myself and no one’s inviting me that’s why I asked. I realized that my shyness wouldn’t take me places and that I have to step in. Since everything’s settled, I was assigned to bring softdrinks. 

So it happened. We enjoyed eating using our hands and somehow this event made me comfortable to be with them. I brought my mom’s specialty, Chicken Feet, and everybody loved it. I had fun chatting with them and I finally felt I belong. I also like the fact that these moms aren’t the social climber type. They are just normal people coming to school to have some time off like myself. We even had the nannys eating with us which I really liked because there’s no discrimination in the group. 

I’m happy that I’m finally able to go out of the house and have somehow found a new community. I’m excited to explore and learn more about this new chapter of my life. 

Mommyhood

Precious Hours That Refreshed Me


Today, I got to be with myself again. Gosh, it’s been a while! I feel like I’ve been stuck in the house for almost 3 years now that all I want is to escape motherhood. Imagine, 3 years with 2 toddlers?! That sure is exhausting.

It’s Caleb’s second day in school and I have an excuse to wait for him for 2.5 hours. Yesterday, I did stay but today I had some errands. Next week, I’ll just be dropping him off and picking him up because I don’t want to give my mom a hard time in looking after Yuri. So, this week is a little bit of freedom for me.

I went to the grocery and looked for clothes. Luckily, I found something that fits me despite the lack of choices. I also bought flats. Yes, I do personal shopping in the grocery now. I’m so happy that that supermarket not only sell food but also clothes and other things important for busy moms. I was also able to have a peaceful snack without minding about a toddler messing his shirt and hands. I had my Yakult Green Tea all for myself, too. Caleb loves the pearls in those kind of drinks and he ends up drinking the whole thing. It’s not like I don’t like to share because I’m willing to give everything to my kids even if I don’t get to taste it, but sometimes it just feels good eat in peace again.

I’m just so grateful for this day because somewhere out there, Bianca still do exist. Maybe not entirely at the moment because Bianca is defined as Caleb and Yuri now. Someday, I’ll have all the time for myself again.

Slightly ran away from motherhood,

B.