Do you have breakdowns? How often and what triggers it? By breakdown I mean crying myself out, throwing things, and silently cursing. The type when you can feel your heart pounding because there’s just too much to handle.
I do have those moments for around twice or thrice a week. I don’t want it to happen but it just happens. I couldn’t control any of it because my emotions are so high that my brain couldn’t even tell myself to “breathe and stay calm”.
What causes it? Different things. I observed that sometimes even when I am in a good mood and then my kid suddenly spills (on purpose) water (of course, I have to clean up), I get so mad I can feel my blood boiling from my toes going up and then finally find myself exploding. I scream, throw things, and my mouth just wouldn’t stop talking. Repetitive acts also trigger it. Such as when my kid insists on doing something even if I told him infinite times not to. That “Mommy, I want…” spiel makes me mad.
Do I feel bad after? DEFINITELY! I am not worthy to be called a mom if I wasn’t. I feel guilty and mad at myself because I let my kids see that side of me. Those innocent eyes that stare at me as I nag and scream at them eats me up after the event. My subconscious mind tells me to stop but my body says otherwise. I feel so bad that I pray to help me go back to my proper state. My husband has not seen me go on a breakdown, only my boys have seen me go berserk. I feel like whenever I transform into that other person, my kids see me as a scary monster about to swallow them.
I am not proud of it. In fact, I am scared whenever it happens. I feel like my anger might take it to a different level that I might end up hurting my kids. I don’t spank them, I don’t believe that hurting them is a way to discipline them. I am more of the “stand in the corner” type of mom with a little nagging on the side.
How does it stop? After I’ve cried a bucket and almost losing my voice. When I finally feel exhausted and when I’m almost out of breath.
It has always been a battle between letting my better self take charge and letting the witch in me have the crown. These thoughts I think eat up my sanity to the point that I feel like I’m going crazy for real. It’s so hard to control the good and bad when you want to raise beautiful children. It’s so hard to just show them your good side because you want to be a good example to them. It’s so hard to be the perfect mother you long to be. Most especially, it’s so hurting to see them stare at you as you become the wicked witch they’re mostly scared of.
I am just so thankful that kids are generally resilient. They forgive and forget. They try to understand and let go.
I cannot promise that it will never happen again. I believe that there is a process in managing my so called breakdowns and it wouldn’t be easy. I will continue to pray for patience and understaning as I journey toddlerhood and motherhood. So help me, God.